Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I'm kinda in this weird place right now. I'm not exactly sure with what's actually happening but I know that these changes will be permanent.

I'm not sure if "boy/friend" and I are going to be in an 'official' relationship because he's going through growing pains of his own. I don't want to be on the back burner, BUT I do want to try and make whatever is going on between us work. And the whole situation with my ex is complicating things even more...

I no longer have strong feelings for him, but there are still remnants of him there, and I know if given the chance I would allow him back into my life , but it would result in him screwing me over for the umpteenth time and I really don't need that. I just have to figure out how to completely let go of the situation...

Things with the family aren't getting any better; I'm still going through this eMoTiOnAl roller coaster, and I have NO ONE I can talk to about it. I guess that's why I blog. Whether someone reads it or not it allows me to pour out my feelings->makes me feel better<-. I honestly don't know if I can continue to put up the front any longer.
All I want is for someone to hold me and say everything will be ok.
I guess I'm looking for stability and I just don't have it in any area of my life. I just feel like no one understands the hurt I feel everyday. No one bothers to ask me how I'm doing or what I'm feeling...but I play "Dr. Jasmine" to everyone else and no one gives a damn about me! I have all these things running through my head and it's really sad that with all the people in my life who are my 'friends' the only way I can express how I feel is through blogging. *I wish* I could take away the pain and hurt that I feel, but I can't. *I wish* I could confide in those who confide in me, but I can't. I hate having to disclose my true feelings behind closed doors, but for whatever reason crying in my "world" is socially unacceptable, so I put on a brave face in public, but in the privacy of my own room, I cry and scream until I'm too tired to do anything else.

I'm on this road that I believe is going to allow me to become a respectable young woman who knows how to ask for help, yet can still stand on her own two feet. I want to find true love and happiness all while living life according to me.


RenRexx said...

Blogging should be your source of output. Write whatever you want, feel, think about. Soon enough, it will start to help you in ways you didn't think possible.
I hope you feel better