We're only 11 days in!

It's been a crazy time for me...from starting a new job, to attempting to move (again) I'm beginning to feel like 2011 is going to be an interesting year.

I just feel like things are starting to get to me, all I seem to do nowadays is get up, go to work, come home and clean up after people...mind you I live with able bodied adults who are perfectly capable of cleaning up after themselves, but don't seem to be doing so. I've even gone as far as to separate dishes and label everything that's mine because my roommates seem to think that everything in the apartment is fair game...IT"S NOT! I don't work 40+ hours a week, spend my hard earned money on groceries (for me) to come home and find that my food has been picked over and devoured as though the entire complex has come over and feasted without giving me notice...I'm tired of doing for everyone else but myself, so I decided that it high time for me to indulge...just a little.

So as one could imagine I've begun the search for a place to live (all by myself) and so far...no luck. The cost of living is EXTREMELY ridiculous, the cheapest place I found STARTED at 550, that's for a 1 bedroom, with absolutely nothing included, now I do make a decent living, but I can't afford that and then to include utilities plus the bills that are currently coming in...I won't be moving for quite a while because I refuse to kill myself working overtime just to sustain my self and not have time for the important things and people in my life, and while we're on the subject...

My love life couldn't be better, I'm in a stable relationship that is progressing quite nicely =) Having someone special in your life is wonderful, and I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend...he's amazing(sigh). It's like everyday he finds new ways to show me how much he cares. I love me some him....but I digress because he's one topic that i could spend all day on and I'm sure that you would be disgusted if I did, not too many people can take the lovey-dovey mushy stuff...

Anywho, life goes on around here and it's moving by fairly quickly...I honestly can't believe that in less than 4 months I'll be celebrating ANOTHER birthday, and I less than 1 month a very special milestone will be celebrated, but more on those upcoming events later...

Hope you enjoy this (very cold) beautiful day
Jasmine

The funny thing about love

It's funny how nowadays people fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat. I miss the days when being in love was sacred and special...

I can honestly say that without a doubt I am TRULY in love for the first time in my life. I know it's not the pseudo love you experiene w/ your first boyfriend or anything like that because I've experienced that before also. It's love because no matter how hard I try to ignore my feelings, the more prevelant they become...

Love is one of those fickle, funny things in life, but when you truly experience love it's the best thing in the world.

Date Night!

Last night "boyfriend" and I went out on a date...We've had plenty of them before but this one was completely different. It was just the two of us {minus a few cell phone interruptions} and it was very intimate. =)

How it all started

We were hanging out on Thursday and were having a random coversation, then the conversation took an interesting twist;

Me; "So this was fun"

"BF"; "It was, we should do this again soon"

"Yeah, ok"

"I'm serious. What are you doing Saturday?"

"No plans, what did you have in mind?"

"Guess you'll have to wait until Saturday to find out"

I spent two days imagining what we would do...with NO hints from him, when finally I gave up. I texted him Saturday afternoon and asked him what I should wear and he said "Jeans, a cute shirt, heels. Nothing over the top".

Piece of cake right?...WRONG!

It took me two hours to get ready. I felt like I was going on my first date again, but the final result was well worth the hassle and was very much appreciated=)

We ended up going to this really cute after hours cafe' and shared the BEST chocolate carmel crunch cake EVER! During which time we had a wonderful conversation. We then went on a drive downtown, and stopped for hotdogs {our movie moment} followed by more conversation. The night ended with a movie at his place.

I've been smiling ever since and told him numerous times that we must do this again. I feel like this is our fresh start and I'm enjoying every minute of it. I'm looking forward to the next date night...

Broken hearted...

I was raised and still do believe that if I want something bad enough, it could be mine- no matter the obstacles. But when it comes to loving someone or being loved, that very same belief is now considered useless, null and void.

I don't understand why you can't see that I'm giving you my all. I don't understand why you seem to think all the words, dreams, ambitions I've shared with you are a bunch of mindless dibble.

"THEY"-whomever "THEY" may be-have said that "Life is for the living, change is ever present". But since I gave my heart to you it feels like I'm s..l..o..w..l..y dying

What happened to the love we once shared? Where is the person I fell in love with, because all I see is the shadow of the person you once used to be.

I want my lover AND friend back.

Until that person returns, I'm not sure what to do about the feeling of emptiness that lives within the piece of my heart you once resided in.

Guess it's time to break out the Elmer's and attempt to put the pieces back together again...

I am changing...

UGH! This is definately how I've been feeling lately...I'm not sure when I became so unhappy with my life, but I know when I decided to change things...Last Wednesday(1-20-10). I realized that my "boyfriend" doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for him. I also realized that my feelings for him have been changing for some time now.

I'm totally not in the mood to even talk about it...so I'll just write again when I'm in the mood

Crossroads

I'm kinda in this weird place right now. I'm not exactly sure with what's actually happening but I know that these changes will be permanent.

I'm not sure if "boy/friend" and I are going to be in an 'official' relationship because he's going through growing pains of his own. I don't want to be on the back burner, BUT I do want to try and make whatever is going on between us work. And the whole situation with my ex is complicating things even more...

I no longer have strong feelings for him, but there are still remnants of him there, and I know if given the chance I would allow him back into my life , but it would result in him screwing me over for the umpteenth time and I really don't need that. I just have to figure out how to completely let go of the situation...

Things with the family aren't getting any better; I'm still going through this eMoTiOnAl roller coaster, and I have NO ONE I can talk to about it. I guess that's why I blog. Whether someone reads it or not it allows me to pour out my feelings->makes me feel better<-. I honestly don't know if I can continue to put up the front any longer.

All I want is for someone to hold me and say everything will be ok.

I guess I'm looking for stability and I just don't have it in any area of my life. I just feel like no one understands the hurt I feel everyday. No one bothers to ask me how I'm doing or what I'm feeling...but I play "Dr. Jasmine" to everyone else and no one gives a damn about me! I have all these things running through my head and it's really sad that with all the people in my life who are my 'friends' the only way I can express how I feel is through blogging. *I wish* I could take away the pain and hurt that I feel, but I can't. *I wish* I could confide in those who confide in me, but I can't. I hate having to disclose my true feelings behind closed doors, but for whatever reason crying in my "world" is socially unacceptable, so I put on a brave face in public, but in the privacy of my own room, I cry and scream until I'm too tired to do anything else.

I'm on this road that I believe is going to allow me to become a respectable young woman who knows how to ask for help, yet can still stand on her own two feet. I want to find true love and happiness all while living life according to me.