Friday, January 29, 2010

I am changing...

UGH! This is definately how I've been feeling lately...I'm not sure when I became so unhappy with my life, but I know when I decided to change things...Last Wednesday(1-20-10). I realized that my "boyfriend" doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for him. I also realized that my feelings for him have been changing for some time now.

I'm totally not in the mood to even talk about I'll just write again when I'm in the mood

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

To Haiti with love...

This blog is in regards to the feelings I have in reference to the devastating earthquake that hit Haiti

From ancient times mankind has mourned its losses. Every culture has it's own distinct way of expressing grief. Even animals express grief and mourn those that are no longer with them...It's a sad fact that many people choose not set aside time to mourn, or even have a moment of silence, whether it's a family member or not. Mourning is necessary for one's mental health and stability and it's also a way for those still living to pay their respect to those who have passed away...

*A moment of silence for those who lost their lives*
The act of creating a memorial is a spiritual act. A memorial tells the world that even though an individual has lost their life, their spirit lives on. It makes a statement that that the individuals life mattered and will continue to matter. Their acts of courage and goodness will never be forgotten.
This is my memorial...
to Haiti with love

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I'm kinda in this weird place right now. I'm not exactly sure with what's actually happening but I know that these changes will be permanent.

I'm not sure if "boy/friend" and I are going to be in an 'official' relationship because he's going through growing pains of his own. I don't want to be on the back burner, BUT I do want to try and make whatever is going on between us work. And the whole situation with my ex is complicating things even more...

I no longer have strong feelings for him, but there are still remnants of him there, and I know if given the chance I would allow him back into my life , but it would result in him screwing me over for the umpteenth time and I really don't need that. I just have to figure out how to completely let go of the situation...

Things with the family aren't getting any better; I'm still going through this eMoTiOnAl roller coaster, and I have NO ONE I can talk to about it. I guess that's why I blog. Whether someone reads it or not it allows me to pour out my feelings->makes me feel better<-. I honestly don't know if I can continue to put up the front any longer.
All I want is for someone to hold me and say everything will be ok.
I guess I'm looking for stability and I just don't have it in any area of my life. I just feel like no one understands the hurt I feel everyday. No one bothers to ask me how I'm doing or what I'm feeling...but I play "Dr. Jasmine" to everyone else and no one gives a damn about me! I have all these things running through my head and it's really sad that with all the people in my life who are my 'friends' the only way I can express how I feel is through blogging. *I wish* I could take away the pain and hurt that I feel, but I can't. *I wish* I could confide in those who confide in me, but I can't. I hate having to disclose my true feelings behind closed doors, but for whatever reason crying in my "world" is socially unacceptable, so I put on a brave face in public, but in the privacy of my own room, I cry and scream until I'm too tired to do anything else.

I'm on this road that I believe is going to allow me to become a respectable young woman who knows how to ask for help, yet can still stand on her own two feet. I want to find true love and happiness all while living life according to me.

Teachers gone mad

Have you ever had one of those teachers that always does just a little too much?
Well I have one of those teachers. I see "Dr. B" at 9 am 3 days a week. She's always excited, peppy, and sometimes it's just annoying! This is by far the largest class I'm in ->we have 60 people enrolled<-. So you would think with such a large class that group work would be omitted...oh no! Not in Dr. B's class! She splits us up into 4 groups...basic math tells us that 60 people divided into 4 groups equals 15 people per group! How in the world are 15 people supposed to do an equal amount of work? They aren't! What's going to happen is that there will be 5-6 people that will do a majority of the work and the remaining members will latch on to their coattails.
I really do care about Dr. B but she has lost her mind. She's doing too much for a 50 minute class that only meets 3 days a week. The world is full of teachers like Dr. B...they have good intentions, but their ideas are executed the wrong way.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Enough is enough!

My parents have officially worked my last nerve! For whatever reason my parents are under the impression that I have regressed back to 9 years old. They want to do everything for me. They want me to check in with them once a week. They want to take responsibility for EVERYTHING I do. I appreciate the thought but, enough is enough! I am 19 years old and would like to be treated as an adult. I know my parents want to make sure I succeed in life, but they don't want to let me do it my way. It's as if the older I get, the more my parents don't want to let me go.
1. Am I wrong to want to make my own mistakes and clean up my own messes?
2. Is it ok for me to only want to call for their help when it's absolutely needed?
3. How do I get them to realize that they did a great job raising me and it's ok to let go of the reins?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

First Day Drama

So it's my first day back at the ilustrious North Carolina A&T State University, and the nonsene has begun. First off I was dropped from all my classes and forced to re-register as well as pay the $50 late fee -> even though they dropped the ball<- but whatever. It feels good to be back at school after my DISASTROUS winter break...but I could do without all the added pressures.
My schedule is pretty low key, i have 5 classes but one of my classes is a late class so we shall see if I can adapt to having my nights interrupted 2 nights a week. I have my first class of the SPR 10 semester if a few hours, so we shall see how it goes...
So I loved my speech class=) My teacher is really funny and I think my dreams are slowly changing. Being a lawyer is still on my mind, but I think I wanna teach. So I gotta wait til tomorrow to see if I'll enjoy my other classes. But for now I'm satisfied...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Impending motherhood?

So in the past 2 years there has been this growing trend within my circle of friends...they're all having babies! To date I have 5 godchildren {2 boys, 3 girls} with one on the way. Now don't get me wrong I my godchildren but I can't help but wonder if I'm next on the list to become a mom...

I'm not saying I don't EVER want to become a mom, but at this stage in my life, I'm not ready. I'm taking the proper precautions, but there is still that voice in the back of my head that says 'be careful you could be next' . . .

To be perfectly honest I have recently been thinking about what my life would be like if I were to have a baby, and the possibilities scare the shit out of me. I know my life would go one of two ways;
a) I get pregnant aand my baby's daddy and I struggle to provide for our little family and thus putting a strain on our relationship and leaving me to raise a child by myself

b) I get pregnant and my baby's daddy doesn't want to have anything to do with me or the child he and I created, thus leaving me alone to raise a child by myself
I say by myself and that's exactly what I mean. My parents have already said that if i get pregnant/have a baby before I'm ready, I'm not going to receive any support from them in anyway...which has lead me to the ultimate decision;
a).that I don't wanna have children until I'm married and my husband and I decide we're ready to have children
b).I decide that I'm stable enough in my life to bring a baby into this world and provide for us by myself{until Prince Charming comes my way...}
So here's to me not having babies anytime soon, yet still providing love and support to all my friends and spoiling my god children to death!!!